Whatitees Guide : 17 simple (?) ways to get you a date..

Warning/Disclaimer/Escape Routes : Long post. Really long. Read at your own risk. I claim no relation to any loss of hair, bodily harm caused by the reader to him/herself, loss of any sense of sanity or getting shot at. And yeah , please do let me know if you are alive at the end of it.

I know you can buy them off the fruit shop. No, I am not talking about that. You can let me know (via the comments section, i.e) if you did actually think I was referring to the fruit (eyes rolling), but it is alright.

I will not hold you to that – most of us have been there. Yeah, in that place where we thought a date was that sticky dark colored fruit meant to be eaten, post which the fingers were meant to be licked dry.

By the way, did you know that the fruit’s English name as well as the Latin species name dactylifera, originates from the Greek word for Finger, “daktulos”? So, next time your boss asks you to stay back in office, while he goes gallivanting with his new wife, you can just show him a date! Add a crooked smile to that as well. And while he scratches his hair to decipher this, just put that date into your mouth for good measure – just to seal the point – You showed him the date and ate it too!

Devilish Chuckle! I cannot control the excitement inside me. Too much.

So, anyways. Back to more important things.

Lot of throat clearing.

I submit to you – The Whatitees guide to getting yourself a date.

Victorious trumpets sounding in the distance!

Date noun, verb,dat·ed, dat·ing

– noun

– a partner, companion, girlfriend/ boyfriend who you need to woo, hem and haw!

– verb

– Wooing, hemming and hawing with the partner, companion, girlfriend/boyfriend!

Follow the following rules and you would never have to eat those dates alone by yourself! Note the wrong play on words? Ha! I am brilliant!

1. Get online

Facebook, Orkut, Twitter, Hi5, MySpace,YourSpace, HisSpace, HerSpace – Ahem. Sorry, got carried away. Basically, any social networking site where you can scrap, ping or pong with members of the opposite sex – get on it. And be on it! Just imagine yourself hanging on to the last bit of rope while dangling from a cliff with not a soul in sight. And then, out of the blue, a Stanford drop-out passes by, looks at you and offers to help if you create a profile on one of his millionth sites which needs you to rate somebody Hot or Not. What would you do? Think how offensive the idea is and discuss morality with him? NOO! Just use the most imaginative user name you have and create that god-damned profile! And get 10 others as well who are dangling along with you!

As an example, create a witty profile and hook them with a decent photo, like mine.  This will help you stand out from the crowd. Literally.

2. Get out there

Yeah. Roadies, Splitsvilla, Truth Love Cash, Love.net. Reality shows with hot babes and cool hunks. Testosterone and other hormones – they have spoiled it all. All you do now is get back from office, order a pizza, and ogle at the mini-skirt clad chick mouth obscenities. And then discuss on who would be voted out. Pathetic. The chick is hot, though. Do not get me wrong.

Dude (or, as the new-age kids say, Gal), no-one gets dates by sitting at home with the Idiot Box. You’ve got to go to that local fruit shop and bargain hard. Or better buy one of those boxes from Big Bazaar. What? Yeah, am talking about dates. Oh, sorry.

What I mean is – you need to “get out there”. Be visible. Be the man. Or the Girl. Accept invitations, or better just gate-crash into a party!  Look up old friends (read : unmarried and still single) and go to local events – again, step 1 will help you out here. If you are the intellectual type, go to Crossword. If you aren’t, go anyways.  Stroll alongside the Romance or the Cookery sections. Pretend to peer into Sanjeev Khanna’s recipes and take a look around. You’re bound to come across someone who likes Palak Paneer as well. And then the rest is, as they say, dinner!

3. Sign up to learn something new

You’ve already signed up in Step 1. That was online. Now, it’s the turn for the offline ones.

Guys – sign up for an evening class on how to cut onions without getting tears into your eyes.  This will impress the lady to no bounds – I hear ladies do not like cooking these days and expect their partners to know a thing or two as well. Also it will give you a good alibi to stroll around the cookery section at Crossword. Eh? Brilliant, aint it?

Girls – sign up for an evening class on how to smilingly say, “sure, would love to go out for a coffee with you” when the cute guy looks at you with a “Easy recipes for the Bachelor” book in his hand, and innocently asks you how to make poha! Please do not be harsh on him – it would be his first time, you see. And wouldn’t you love to wake up to a nice plate of tasty poha served hot along with coffee, on your bed?

4. Don’t be a slave to your job

All work and no play made Venkatamurthy and UmaMaheswari a dull boy and a dull girl with no chance to participate in Splitsvilla! While we are on these Southie names, have you ever wondered why we do not see any South Indians in these programs? All we have are the Siddharths (lovingly called Sid) and the Sakshis (Loving called Sak or Saks) from Saddi Dilli. Well, this Southie cowboy is all set to change that! Just mind it!

Anyways, if you’re overworked, underslept, or overslept you won’t feel like going out on dates. Come to think of it, if you overslept, you might not even be able to make it on time for the date! HeHe! Smart, that one, no? So, do not work too much – in fact, by the current mindset I am in, I am inclined to say, do not work at all! But well, it is the question of the criminal stomach – so, keep the work to limits, leave office early so you are not stuck in office and sleep well, so you do not fall asleep riding or driving!

5. Talk to more people

Some lucky people are natural flirts. Like me. Yeah! Which is why I am writing this guide you see – to help the less talented ones out there. If you think I should not be gloating at this point, well you are wrong and you can go to hell.

But the difference between you and me is I don’t think it as flirting, per se. You see? I can chat happily with the girl I met via Orkut, on Gtalk  and even let out amazing smiles – all part of the charm I put out, you know. So what if she has a “busy” status – ping her!  Busy, smushy, my foot! Be confident and friendly. Even if she asks you not to disturb her, let out that wonderful smile (Gtalk has many – use one of the best ones!) and be approachable – that is the key my friend! The more you chat with people, the better you’ll spend your time in office and the better you’ll feel about yourself!

6. Meet people’s eyes

Oh! This means the previous point was about chatting in real??!! Not on Gtalk??!! Well, ok. Make a nice joke or a limerick or something which would throw the reader off-guard. Or better, just throw him or her off their seats! Say something! Anything!

Yes! So..meet people and ask them their eye power. You’ll seem interested and confident – two sure shot qualities that win more dates than ever!

Phew! Saved by the date!

7. Dress for success

Your clothes make a statement about you! And your bodily odors make even bigger ones! And I cannot over-emphasize this. Wrinkled or ironed, gun-shot jeans or plain denim, low-waist ones or the really low-waist ones, Polo T-shirts or Sweatshirts, Bermudas or Jockey shorts, Mini-skirts or plain Jeans, halter-tops or spaghetti straps (if they are the same, I ask for pardon), Axe Deodorants or Park Avenue Perfumes – well, I cannot tell you what statement  each of them make – all you can do is clean up well, take a good bath, wear any dress you like and let your date pass a comment at you! Or better, let your date give you that incredulous look! THAT would be the statement you are looking for!

8. Be as vain as you like

Gym and work-outs. Aamir-type 6-packs. Cucumber packs on your eyes to make them look fresh. Face packs at Kaya Skin Clinic to make you look younger. Mascara and lipsticks. Garnier For Men. Spot reductions and so on.

Do all of the above and more. Vanity may be one of the seven deadly sins, but do not overdo it by getting up at 5:30 AM in the morning to make that short trip to the gym – Just because you have a mental block against going in the evening and you need to cook lunch for office! It tells people that you are being a hard-a** or getting old or both, and are thinking too much about saving up money!

9. Shake up your social circle

When was the last time you attended a wedding? Last month? Your friends’ wedding ? Ok, all your friends are couples now and hence you do not have partners in crime? Seems a familiar problem? Well, if that is so, well your chances of meeting a potential date through your friends and/or their spouses are not exactly next to zero, but are in the negative. Unless you get married too. Yeah, sad but true.

Broaden your social circle to include more such charming, happy singletons who would be more than willing to take you to their friends’ weddings – I hear marriages are a good source of potential dates.

10. Make the first move

But take cover as soon as you do. Being proactive and all that is fine, my friend, but if you take help of such cheesy lines such as “Hey, I hear your dad’s a terrorist, cause you look like a bomb”, be prepared to get blown to bits!

Everyone likes being flattered by attention. And by that, I do not mean the wide-eyed stare at the hot-looking girl riding her bike in the opposite direction to you. You might end up crashing into the car ahead of yours’. And the attention you’d get then, is not exactly flattering!

Take a look at your surroundings, make sure there are no bouncers or such kinds around, more importantly keep in mind the location of the exit doors – much like how Sachin Tendulkar takes a look at his field before he adjusts his abdomen guard and then unleashes his cover drives! Silly point it may be, but it wouldn’t harm to keep one of ’em guards with yourself. Just in case.

Keep the opening comment brief and casual, perhaps something on the weather, and then put the focus on them (with one eye on the exit, as I mentioned before). The more interesting you find them, the more interesting they’ll find you. And then you can make all the moves you want to! Much like Austin Powers! Groovy baby!

11. Learn to survive a brush-off

If you approach someone who turns out not to be interested, don’t go away thinking that your world has ended. Be sure of it.

To the most successful pick-up artists, rejection is like alcohol off the bartender’s rack. They don’t run away crying, they try again with a different drink. Learn to survive the brush-off. Or better still, get married. Yeah, sad but true. With due respect to all my married friends.

12. Forget about playing hard to get

Just become the most desperate, lonesome creep they ever knew! The only real way to a man or a woman’s heart is to let them know that you like them. Better – that you are deeply, utterly, hopelessly in love with them!

If you’ve enjoyed chatting, ask where they stay – forget numbers and phones. If you met online today, take an off from work tomorrow, get up early in the morning, don’t take a bath and wait for them to get online. And then ping them, till heaven comes to glory! Till your machine crashes! Take it to the kill!

13. … But leave them wanting more

Ah! Who’s gonna be wanting more after you’ve let them know your love, eh? Seriously, who? Especially after you’ve played so hard?

14. Brag less, listen more

If the first comment was about how beautifully clouded the evening is, do not go about reciting the weather forecast, including the number of inches of rain it is going to fall for your city and ten others!

Listen. Listen carefully to how your date describes the weather for you. Then make a beautiful, romantic poem out of it. Like, “Rain, Rain go away, little Johnny wants to play”. Or something to that effect. Do not worry – just flow with the moment.

15. Forget your ex

Yeah, and concentrate on the P. Not that, you fool! I mean, the present. Do not look for a xerox of your last partner. Do not even mention about your ex, until there are signs that your date and your ex were actually good friends back in college. Then forget your present as well. And you might as well concentrate on the other P.

16. Keep your options open

Yeah! Just use your imagination! hehehe!

17. Stop looking

If nothing else works (including the “open options” – if you know what I mean), well, this is the final straw, unfortunately. On a different note, I am sure, if you have actually reached this point, you would have stopped looking pretty much everywhere else – even your mails and that hot chick you were chatting up around an hour ago!

I know. I am guilty of that. I write so well, that it is captivating! But if you actually thought this was a guide to help you find a date, well, I have just re-christened this as “The Whatitees Guide to getting shot!

Get a couple of those Big Bazaar dates and Happy Hunting!

P.S : All characters here are fictional and bear no resemblance to anyone living or dead. Venkatamurthy and UmaMaheswari – I am sure you are wonderful, loving people. UmaMaheswari – wait for that Gtalk ping!

P.P.S : Adapted from an article by Jane Hoskyn on Yahoo! Personals. On the lizard that is currently crawling up on the walls of my kitchen, I swear I came across this article by accident. Credit needs to be given where it is due, right? I swear. Damn! My credit-card bill!

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