Whatitees Guide: The Dictionary of Crap

Disclaimer: If you are currently reeling under a bad stomach ache, and/or are making frequent visits to the loo, and/or constipated, I’d advise you to to not read this now, and maybe come back a later time. This is not for the weak farted hearted and certainly not for the constipated. Because when the shit hits the fan,some people run and some people wonder what’s happening. So keep a loose motion tablet next to you. Please. 


I say it is about time.

About time we broke the shackles of convenient morality. About time we came out of the closet and let it out in the open. About time we redefined the dictionary and fought for inclusion of this word which has been so used, abused, misused, demeaned, and thrown around like an old rag with utter contempt. That which has allowed billions of people around the world express myriad emotions – Anger, happiness, love, frustration, elation, ecstasy, orgasm, denial, horror – with just one word: CRAP! Sometimes shit!

And yet, we have not recognized the selfless way it has weaved itself into our way of life without asking for anything in return. Oh! The beauty! The beauty!

It is about time we give it the respect it duly deserves. And I have taken the mantle of doing so.

Here again, with a dramatic re-entry and continuation of what the latest reviews on http://www.crappyguides.com have to say about, I present to you from the house of the Whatitees Guides:

The Dictionary of Crap.

Please imagine the mandatory trumpets, bugles and drum rolls, as is the norm with all my posts. Here goes:

Crapilicious crapi-li-cious

– adjective

   1. highly unpleasant to the senses, especially to taste or smell:

             a crapilicious dinner, a crapilicious aroma.

2. highly unpleasant feeling growing in the stomach after consuming such foods where the chicken (or brinjal, as the case may be) is seen to be floating harmlessly in red colored oil:

              I had such a crapilicious paneer butter masala in office yesterday, my boss could hear the rumbles in my stomach from his cabin!

Crapugedera crapu-ge-dera

– adjective

   1. when you come and go out of the cricket team and don’t get picked even for an IPL team despite the lowest starting price.

Crape diem cra-pe di-em

      Latin. Run with the newspaper in hand the moment you hear the rumble; as opposed to delaying it while increasing the CO2 content in the atmosphere. Seize the moment; don’t think of the future.

Crapuscular crapus-cu-lar

-adjective

1. of or pertaining to crap: crapuscular feeling

2. dependent on or affected by crap: crapuscular feeling

3. having well-developed crap: crappy

Crappendix cra-pen-dix

-noun, plural -dix.es -dic.es

1. supplementary material at the end or beginning of a question in an MBA class, an article, a document, a book, a long speech, a training session in office post lunch, a blog such as this or any other text usually of an explanatory nature which will make you feel crapuscular.

2. an appendage which makes you feel like pulling out your hair.

Bon crapetit bon cra-pe-tit

-interjection. French

Used as a salutation for a person who has been affected by the Fourth Law of Motion. (I wish you) a crappy appetite.

Crapsule cra-ps-ule

-noun

1. a small soluble container, usually made of gelatin that is needed to be taken when someone has just wished you bon crapetit.

Craptitude cra-pti-tude

-noun

1. an inherent ability to endure when s**t happens. Man, he had the craptitude to have two plates of chicken masala even when he was constipated!

2. display of intelligence while attending to the call of nature. You know what, he is so intelligent, he has the craptitude to solve an entire ET crossword when he is in the loo!

Crapitulate crapi-tul-ate

-verb

1. to surrender unconditionally when the rumbling goes bigger and one cannot squirm nor sit nor stand nor take the support of a nearby table/chair/pole/person.

2. to give up and experience utter bliss.

Crapsize cra-psi-ze

-verb (used without object), -verb (used with object) -siz.ed, -siz.ing

to turn bottom up. you get the picture.

Crapivorous crapi-vo-rous

-adjective

1. of the carnivores and herbivores family.

2. crap-eating. Heard one fly telling another, “you are crapivorous, dude. Bon crapetit!”

Whataycrap what-a-crap

-abuse,

What you are thinking right now for having come all the way here reading all this crap.

Crappendix: I just realized that this was the fastest post I ever came up with. What can I say. Sh*t happens!


8 thoughts on “Whatitees Guide: The Dictionary of Crap

  1. Well,what can I say…..I can relate it to what my son makes me see everyday! Didn’t read till the end as I was reminded of some of my son’s incredible art! Kudos for the crapful attempt 🙂

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